So I haven't posted an update since January since my mom’s
birthday. ALOT has happened since then: my best friend finding out she’s
pregnant (it’s a BOY!!!), my grandmother passing away, my dream of visiting Alaska
coming true, Texas Frightmare Weekend 2017 and my mother ALSO passing
away.
My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer around November 2016 and
it turned out to be more aggressive than the doctors originally thought and she
died in March 2017. It has
been a very rough 6 months for me emotionally, mentally and physically.
The pain that I’ve experienced has been unbelievable – no one can
prepare you for the loss of your parents.
What takes over your mind is indescribable from depression to anger to
denial to damn near insanity. Don’t get
me wrong, I have a hell of a support system that I am completely thankful for
but sometimes it’s not enough to keep your mind from destroying you. How the F are you supposed to mourn the loss
of your grandmother and mother, be extremely happy about your best friends
pregnancy and somehow take care of everything on your own home front. Let me tell you, sometimes I want to just
crawl into a cave and forget everything.
I was very close to my mother and it has been hard getting used to
the fact that I can’t call or see her whenever I want. It has put a strain on everything in my life,
even down to the fact that I don’t want kids anymore because I will never be
able to take them to “grandma’s house”.
I will never be able to give my mom the cliché x-mas present with the
pregnancy test in a box and hearing her scream for joy. I mean shit, I don’t want my kids to
experience the loss I am feeling without my mom.
All that said, I am on the road to “recovery” even though I believe
there is no recovering from things like this.
Each day is either a major setback or a step in the right direction.
In the next week or so I will post photos of the trip in Alaska
and some pics of my bestie and her baby bump.
