When life happens, it really happens

So I haven't posted an update since January since my mom’s birthday.  ALOT has happened since then: my best friend finding out she’s pregnant (it’s a BOY!!!), my grandmother passing away, my dream of visiting Alaska coming true, Texas Frightmare Weekend 2017 and my mother ALSO passing away. 

My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer around November 2016 and it turned out to be more aggressive than the doctors originally thought and she died in March 2017.     It has been a very rough 6 months for me emotionally, mentally and physically.  

The pain that I’ve experienced has been unbelievable – no one can prepare you for the loss of your parents.  What takes over your mind is indescribable from depression to anger to denial to damn near insanity.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a hell of a support system that I am completely thankful for but sometimes it’s not enough to keep your mind from destroying you.  How the F are you supposed to mourn the loss of your grandmother and mother, be extremely happy about your best friends pregnancy and somehow take care of everything on your own home front.  Let me tell you, sometimes I want to just crawl into a cave and forget everything.

I was very close to my mother and it has been hard getting used to the fact that I can’t call or see her whenever I want.  It has put a strain on everything in my life, even down to the fact that I don’t want kids anymore because I will never be able to take them to “grandma’s house”.  I will never be able to give my mom the cliché x-mas present with the pregnancy test in a box and hearing her scream for joy.  I mean shit, I don’t want my kids to experience the loss I am feeling without my mom.

All that said, I am on the road to “recovery” even though I believe there is no recovering from things like this.  Each day is either a major setback or a step in the right direction. 

In the next week or so I will post photos of the trip in Alaska and some pics of my bestie and her baby bump.